Every storm runs out of rain - Central Texas Photographer - Misty Dawn Photography

April 29, 2016  •  Leave a Comment

 

Well, if you have been a fan of Misty Dawn Photography for a few years then you will notice a new website, slightly new branding and everything that I once blogged is gone. I think loosing all my blogs was the most devastating in the entire fiasco. I am sure you are wondering what happened and why the change? Here it goes...selfies from my phone included :)

 

Not only am I a Central Texas Photographer but I am a Mother, Daughter, Granddaughter, Sister, Friend, Full time worker outside of photography, and a Student. One of these titles brought me to my knee's recently and it made me loose focus of several of my alternate titles. It wasn't that any title was less important then the other in maintaining but I made a choice and my business suffered because of it. Looking at having to rebuild the website and re-invest in a few things that lapsed, I slightly questioned if I made the right choice. Ultimately, I have landed on the fact that I did make the right choice and if there were a time machine the only change I would have made is to be more invested in the title I gave the highest priority. 

 

Now, I am sure you are wondering what title it was? Those who know me, will know exactly what title, I gave my entire being too for what felt like an eternity. One of my last blogs, before my life took a left hand turn to devastation was " A love deeper than the Ocean." The blog told of my grandparents and their amazing love story that was 60 plus years in the making, it told of the devastation of burying a young child due to a freak accident, a broken back, their personal business failing, battling cancer and life with a stroke. In the blog my love was evident for them. My grandparents were so much more than that to me. I grew up living either with them or a literal hop, skip and jump behind them. They were like parents, best friends, advisors, and the greatest role model that you could imagine. I had parents sure, but when you have a set of grandparents that spoil you like a grandparent and advise you like a parent, you develop a bond that one can only imagine. 

 

I  lost my beautiful Grandmother on September 22, 2015 at 7:15ish in the morning. She had a second stroke and this one had effected her entire brain. She didn't respond to stimuli, couldn't open her eyes, she was laying in the bed breathing and letting everyone have a chance to say their Goodbye's. It lasted 5 days, she died on a Tuesday morning. I held her in my arms, listening to gospel music telling her that she was so loved and it was okay to go home. My grandfather was in disbelief that it was happening, he believed in all of heart she would just wake up. They had battled so many things and always made it through. They say death is peaceful, this is only true for about the last 5 minutes, everything up until that point is heartbreaking and horrible. That last 5 minutes though, it was the most intense moment of my life. I watched her lips tremble as she struggled to take in air. She didn't want to go and was so broken to leave, maybe it was that she saw the most beautiful place in the world.  With either answer, I find peace, my heart still aches for her daily but there is a quiet in my heart. It could be because of her many years of suffering or that I believe she moved on to a better place. 

 

Preparing for the funeral, was numbing and very business like. Emotions had to be held back to an extent, because there was so many things to do. I took my grandpa to Cavenders to buy a new pair of boots for the funeral. She always bought him boots for every holiday when they could afford it. In the middle of Cavenders he just started crying in the middle of the store, saying " I want to be with my baby, I don't want to be here." That felt like the hottest dagger being shoved into my chest, the thought of loosing him literally broke me. I said nothing, just held his hand and wiped the tears from his face. Later that day we went to the floral shop to choose the arrangements. While we sat there crying and holding hands, I said to him, "Please don't leave me, I can't survive loosing you too." His reply, "I will give you two years but then I have to go, meet my sweetheart." The service was beautiful and her life was well remembered and celebrated. 

 

November 12th 2015, the call came...I remember hearing the words but I couldn't hear them. It was almost like being under water. "Papaw collapsed, they started CPR and had to shock his heart. He is in route to the hospital, stay home and I will call you when I get there." I screamed in agony, I cried and literally begged God to not do this to me. It had only been 6 weeks since I buried my Grandmother, please God don't do this to me! I can't survive this!" Finally, I said to "hell with waiting, and off my husband and I went." Seeing my Mother made an ache my heart like nothing I had felt before. When she came from the back of the hospital, she said "I haven't seen him but it isn't good." I remember this searing pain, burning a hole in my heart. I went into the back to see him before he was transported to a larger hospital. He had a machine breathing for him, he didn't look like this strong man that I have admired my entire life. He looked like a shell. Many family members met us at the other hospital they started hypothermic treatment and everyone told him goodnight, it was the only night he spent alone. Many days and nights were spent in the ICU with no improvement. I will never forget the night the quiet nurse came into the room and asked if she could speak to me, at that time she said "do you know his wishes?" I said "yes, we spoke on it a lot because of my grandmother." Her quiet voice then trembled, " Then will you sign the DNR." My heart dropped into my stomach, hearing those words but knowing his choice. I go in the room and tell the family of the request to which most of us agreed and I signed... One day the Doctor decided to start testing him to come off of the ventilator. The first attempt he failed but the second day he passed. It stayed in a coma like state for a few days after. Then out of no where one evening while his sister was here, he just started chanting like an Indian. Then all of the sudden he started singing, How great thou Art. It was mumbled but we could make it out. At the end I said "that was beautiful." He repeated "Boy that was beautiful." You can see the video below.

 

He ended up leaving ICU but he never got better than the video above, finally with heavy hearts we took him home on hospice. He came home on a Wednesday and Saturday morning when I went to visit him, I knew what was coming. I called all the family, the hospice nurse and just laid with him all day. I sang to him, took a nap with him and loved on him. All the family arrived that evening, we sang and sang our hearts out. We sang church hymns and blue grass, some of his originals and all of his favorite country and western. Around 11:00 PM the majority of the family went home to get some sleep, I laid on the couch near him just to watch him sleep. At 11:15 I heard the breaths that I heard when she was leaving us just two months and a week before. I went to him, I kissed him and said I love you more than anything you could ever imagine. I pray I can get through this, but go on to her, I know that is where you want to be. He was gone with-in 30 seconds. His funeral was beautiful, there were many tears and his life was well remembered especially for being a loving husband. 

 

Over the next several months, I fell into a dark place. I was hurt, sad and angry. I knew he loved my grandmother so much, but I loved him with my entire being. Why wasn't my love enough? I would ask myself this everyday. I cried multiple times a day especially in the quiet of my office at work or on the drive home. I finally realized that he would have stayed with me if his heart would have allowed but his heart was broken from loosing the one person he had all his life. The one person that fought every battle along side him. The one person that motivated him to be a the most amazing man that anyone could have ever met. 

 

During this time, I didn't take photography appointments. I didn't focus at all on the business. I let my website go and didn't keep up my posts on facebook. I needed time to be a granddaughter when they were dying. Never leaving their sides. I needed time to mourn. I needed to get through my grief. I felt like a storm started to engulf my life on September 15th, 2015, the rain poured down on the 22nd of September, then the sky got black as night on November 12th, and it fully enveloped me on December 4th. It took awhile for the storm to calm down but finally the storm ran out of rain. I still cry multiple times a week but I can see the sun peeking through the clouds...


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